Oh christmas, Oh christmas, here you are again. Making me a somewhat happy and sad and giving me some sort of hope and pain.
Every year since i began college, i always have this day of evaluation of the year past and think how good it was or how foolish i have become or wiser, if that would be the case. I guess now would be that day. It’s the first day of December. I decided to write another blog entry while i’m here in my little room, since i need a break because i’ve been doing my thesis paper for about 2 hours ago. Ang sakit sa brain cells.
There’s only two Christmas that I will never forget in my entire life and that all happened when I was in elementary. I guess those are the “nostalgic days” when christmas just means gifts, clothes, new things, new toys, shoes, robocop, sparkling lights and of course, a two and a half week vacation.
The first moment when i was roughly around five years old, i had a severe eardrum complications and i can’t hear anything because of the apparatus inserted on my ears. We were still living in our luxurious house in meycauayan. I woke up in christmas morning, first saw our very nice christmas tree and my loving mom was there to give us some presents. I was so happy that time. Now it’s all about the presents, when you are just a kid, so i ran to her and she gave me this m&m’s – the brown ones, yung pinaka basic packaging. Not really the most expensive of the gifts but because during that time, my dad didn’t allow us to eat any sweets for it will ruin our teeth, it was so much of a joy. I don’t know if i ate it at once or not but the moment stuck to me because after the gift giving i raised my arms and showed to my dad that i got a present. He immediately took a picture of me with my arms outstretched. I as really happy then and it showed in the picture.
The next one happened when I was around 7 years old that time; I remember that I was in my room praying hard. OMG, I Prayed hard. In the darkness of my room which I shared with my grandmother and grandfather then, I slowly got up, got a giant sock that we had for Christmas and hanged it in one of the corners of my room.
I get a small paper and write down all my wishes compressed in a few bullets. I was the peak of my believe in Santa Clause that time! For before that fateful night i said to myself that i deserved a gift because i have been very very very good that year. I made a list of what i wanted for christmas, the thing that i wanted most was the Transformers which i adored so much when i was a kid. So i hanged it there waited and waited until i fell asleep waiting for santa.
Unfortunately, he didn’t come that night so i waited again the next night. And the next night and the next. He never really came. After that, i outgrew my longing for him. I guess it was my first wake up call for reality. He really wouldn’t come.
I guess, one point or another a boy realizes that some of the things he held dear during christmas is not really there. The magic and all the glitter all vanishes little by little when I grow older. Ten years later, it is really gone. now i see a different christmas. far from my innocent days, i see all the things that i have to do for my thesis, for my paper, i see that next year i will be finishing my degree, i see that christmas lights actually has some meralco equivalent payment. Probably, i won’t receive any gifts this year. No m&m’s, no socks to voice out what i really want. No special someone who can call mine. Nothing.
Christmas this year for me, is another dose of reality that my life has changed. I have changed and no amount of longing can bring me back to happier times. There is just a hope that i will encounter it the next time around. I guess if i pray, just like when i was ten, pray hard, i would actually get that m&m’s moment again of pure happiness.
I really hope so.
